Don’t get me wrong, I do think that selfie sticks are despicable in every way. I truly do. However, I do believe there is one scenario where they could and would be completely acceptable.

Imagine you’re the hapless tourist settling into London for your fish and chips (Belgian dish, prepared by a Pole, served by a Spaniard) in a pub with your shitty lager (also Belgian). But before you do any of that you get out your selfie stick because you don’t care. You look amazing, because the rest of the village can see how amazing you are and that you’re out there having an amazing time and they’re not. You have the sceptre of rubbing it in.

There is the obvious huge issue of seeing these everywhere being annoying and this stratospheric level of self-obsession our species has never seen before being a harbinger of The End Times of course. But there is a second issue. The Selfie Sticker has not paid enough, if anything, to the residents of the place where this malfeasance needs to be endured. Tax needs to be paid. I’m not talking money of course, because the tourist already has it in their possession. The tax needs to be paid physically and the corresponding licensing brutally enforced.

What I propose is simple. To use the selfie stick, the user needs to go to the city employee with the high vis jacket, briefly surrendering the stick to them at which point they’re hit in the face with it. The selfie stick user is then promptly issued their selfie stick license.

So anytime you saw someone with a selfie stick you would know that yes they are a completely self-obsessed, but by golly they’re paid for it.