Notifications That Know You

Why do we check back hoping against hope, wishing against any shred of life relevance that someone has replied to what was obviously the most damn clever and important thing any human could have ever said today? We keep on checking so that we matter, and that someone cares. If you talked to someone 100 years ago, they probably wouldn’t have had this problem at all. Sure, your village might not be sacked and your home and family put to the torch but once a year, but they had worries and that all the same.

Our situation today is a bit different. Today we have alerts on our phones and messages sent to us 400 times a day telling us about all the things other people are doing, what we should be doing and how shit we are for not knowing and doing all of these things.

Notifications are one of those things that seemed like a good idea at the time but that nobody had any idea as to how it would turn out. A bit like asbestos or Thalidomide. It seems innocent enough, but it’s as innocuous as meth or a quick game of Russian Roulette. Before you know it, your life is taken over by them.

The base notion of a notification is that a predetermined schedule or message is telling you about what you should be doing. The thing is, you probably already know what you’re supposed to be doing but you just don’t want to do it.

I have an an idea to fix all of this. Through the Magic of AI, have the phone decide how to notify you. How it works is incredibly simple and on its way already to the patent office.

1. Sign away any shred of privacy or data protection you thought you might have had with your personal data to The Software Company
2. The Software Company’s App then burrows without mercy or regard through every message, email, document and recording you’ve ever made to figure out your mood.
3. When you then receive a notification, The App decides how to give it to you. For instance, if you’re sad that text from your wife reminding you about your prostate exam will have a rousing ditty instead of a ding to cheer you up. If you got that job the email will set a chain of notification events including your favourite song ever blasting from your phone whether you have it on or not and balloons somehow coming out of the phone. If you’re on the Gold tier it will order you a curry and a pack of beer to be waiting for you when you get home.

I’m accepting investment enquiries forthwith.