Ghosts vs AI

“So John, I thought you said that this thing is supposed to get rid of the ghosts. It’s been like three weeks.”

“It’s just that the AI needs time to track all the issues which it logs and then…”

“Then what? Then what John?”

“Well, according to the website, it will predict the next incident…”

“Wait a second. Wait a fucking second John. We bought this fucking house because YOU wanted to live in this neighbourhood and YOU just had to have this colonial style whatever bullshit, and now we have a mortgage for the rest of our lives so we can live with fucking ghosts. And now your little device here was supposed to solve this but instead is just going to tell us when hauntings will happen? What the fuck John?!?”

“Well, we’re trying out the silver plan, its prediction engine is unmatched. Anyhow, let’s test it out for a bit…”

“I don’t want these fucking ghosts. Comprende John? Can’t we just call a priest or someone like normal people? Noooooo, we need to sign up for yet one more goddamn thing don’t we?”

“Listen, once we know when the hauntings will be, we can just not be home. Or something.”

“Oh really?? So the chains rattling in the attic above our bedroom will continue, but then the little Phantom Finder 5000 or whatever will tell us when to sleep in the basement? Which is also by the way probably fucking haunted.”

“So far the map it’s constructed of the house has determined that there is no haunting in the basement.”

“I don’t know, you know every time I go down there I feel creepy.”

“It’s a basement. All basements are creepy. Have you seen any blood on the walls ever down there?”


“Well there you go.”

“Does the ghost clean it up?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I mean, like remember two months ago or so, we were watching a film and then over in the dining room, right behind your grandma’s credenza, this bleeding wall thing again. But then it wasn’t there the next day. I mean I’m just so sick and tired of this, really.”

“I’m pretty sure ghosts can’t clean.”

“But they can make the walls bleed, so obviously they have some sort of agency in the realm of the living right to do the opposite don’t they? Makes sense doesn’t it John?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, I do know. And I also know this Phantasm 500 thing isn’t going to do shit. Computers can’t fight ghosts. Plain and simple. We need some sort of shaman.”

“Well, like I said let’s try this out and then…”

“And then let me guess. We then have to pay forty dollars a month extra to get it to fight the ghosts?”

“I’m not sure, I have to check the website again.”

“You know the problem is this ghost is just a dick. And we have to figure out why he’s dick. Does the Fantasy Forayer figure out the history of this house?”

“No, I mean, I don’t know. I have to look. Wait, you just gendered the ghost.”


“Can you be so sure?”

“Okay It. It’s no longer actually alive, therefore no gender.”

“Fair point. But, wait…”

“But that’s not the point and quit trying to avoid this John. Does your little machine XT50000 understand the shortcoming and injustices of the ghosts past living life that it’s trying to communicate to us through this? Huh? Does it John? Does it?”


“No, because it’s a fucking machine, it has no empathy. Just like you John, you have no empathy. You just don’t care.”

“I think we need to just give me, I mean it a chance.”

“Okay fine John, show me the readouts or whatever. What does it say about last Tuesday huh? What does it say to do? Oh would you look at this. Last Tuesday it says nothing. Nothing John! We heard the chains and then the whooo-ing both in one night.”

“Hold on, let me query the AI to see. Wait, um, it is showing nothing. Oh wait, recommendations…let me try that. It says nothing happened and to seek counselling if we’re seeing and hearing things.”

“Great. Wonderful. Now we’re paying for a machine to gaslight us. I want you to get our fucking money back today, today do you hear me John? And then I want you to get a priest and a shaman in this place this week. Both of them. Do you hear me? Also, can you fix my phone? It’s not ringing like it used to.”